The Worst Misery: Chapter Five
A Taste of True Madness
Once more I found myself in a different way. Crucified to be precise! I’ve been crucified before. It isn’t a big deal really, but I guess Hell likes the symbolism, but much to my surprise the cross wasn’t upside down. I thought it would be, this being Hell and all, normally it was upside down, but not this time. And Luci wasn’t traditional—what’s traditional?—in crucifying me either. I was strung up with barbed wire. No heavy iron nails for me!
I looked over the flawlessly square room I was trapped in and marveled at it. My mouth dropped open in awe. In this room there were no doors, unless there was a door behind me. I couldn’t see since my head is fastened in place so I wouldn’t know. White was a color—well, not a color, actually—that was proud, in my opinion. Not arrogant or haughty or anything like that, just proud, or maybe confident is a better word? But the overuse of it in this room showed the arrogance of Luci. It was too much confidence which was a bad thing. Abaddon failed, and the day that Luci pulled me from those beasts I said, “One of your own is out of practice!”
The look I received was baffling, because I couldn’t put any emotion to it. But something told me that it said everything that could be said.
“Luci? What sort of torture will I endure today?” I asked the empty room. I knew she could hear me. I stopped wondering how long it had been or how much longer I have. Time had no meaning when it was forever.
“Please make it entertaining! Poof! Speak of the Devil and he shall appear!” Admittedly I jumped a bit when Luci appeared before me. “Don’t do—”
“You have made a joke of Abaddon.” Luci seemed…eager? Yes, eager was definitely the emotion. But why? No idea.
“I have, but the poor soul is just out of practice. It was a rookie’s mistake to think so little of me. Abaddon reminds me of a kid with a magnifying-glass picking on ants. That’s how it seemed anyway. I could tell with how he looked at me that he was looking down his nose at me but now who’s looking down noses?”
“He was furious that you refused to fight.” Luci was easy to read. I could tell he was being truthful and that he found this amusing. “I was even surprised, Malloreigh. How’s it feel to surprise the Devil?”
I shrugged but my mind screamed, I surprised Luci! Maybe there is hope! O, happy day!
“That problem, by the way,” I said. “The problem with his torture was that he relied too much on me. He assumed he knew me. He foresaw me putting up a fight against the odds and striving to fight the good fight!”
“Unlikely…,” Luci began, lost in thought, but lost for only a moment. I imagine if I got lost in the Devil’s mind I’d be lost forever. I already got lost in my own thoughts after all!
But I want to get lost Luci’s mind if I’m being honest. Find that primitive part of the brain that’s all dry humping and stuff and just—
“You’re a romantic.” Luci finally said and saved me from the rabbit hole that had become my mind. “You gave your life to save all the lost souls of Hell, and that’s not something just anyone would do. Honestly, you’re the first person in Hell to ever try. And those blissfully blind fools in Heaven would never sacrifice a second of their paradise for anyone let alone a single soul in Hell. But you did. However, their prolonged chance at salvation is completely dependent on your ability to endure. You’ve endured—and that should be marveled at—but that iron will of yours ends now.”
“I will endure forever and ever, my love!”
My love? What did I say that for?
I was shocked to hear that word leave my lips.
I am mad!
Or the Devil’s cunning was truly something beyond my will to resist! Must be that! I’d just a slave to the lust. No, not lust, to the love! It was love that I felt, and the purest love, but I hate it… Have could I be so foolish as to believe I had a chance? He was the grandmaster in this game after all.
I looked at Luci. A smile came to me as I saw that she was also shocked, but not for long… It was unsettling to see the grin that followed the words, “At last you embrace the sinful feelings of loving evil!”
“No. I hate evil. My father said nothing good comes out of it. And what good can? I mean, it’s evil! It literally can’t be good by definition!”
“Your father was wrong. You’ve given all the sinners of history a chance at redemption solely because Hell invaded Earth. Through that damnation—” Luci flung his arms into the air and outstretched his flawless wings “—salvation was realized!”
He has a point…
“I’m right, I know. I’m a god after all, or have you forgotten that? Forgotten that I’m the wisest of angels, the most intelligent of beings, and for that reason, I was cast from the Heavens!” Luci’s words came out on fire. Fury, bitterness, and distain were thick in his tone. I saw something in Luci’s eyes that was a trick too clearly stated. I saw sorrow.
Maybe the Devil missed Heaven… I wondered, for seeing that sorrow made my heart break.
No! You just called the devil “my love!” He’s playing with your emotions, trying to craft a puppet of you!
“Not a puppet, but maybe an equal?”
“Equal to Luci, the fallen angel loved most by God.” I shook my head. Yeah right!
“I’m being honest. I’ll grant you power otherwise unattainable for a mortal, and why not? You’ve bested one of my princes already! Abaddon was made a fool of like it was child’s play. He couldn’t break you. His master plan failed to shatter your hope. It all fell apart before even taking flight. Pitiful… It was then that he claimed you to be impossible to dominate.”
“Nothing is impossible… He’s just resentful for failing. So, he says that it’s impossible. It was probably his idea that you make me a demon prince. To avoid the humiliation of being wrong, am I right?”
“You speak as if you are fated to falter.”
“I am…,” I said, matter-of-factly. I knew it was true. I couldn’t keep this up forever. I could, however, keep it up long enough for many, many lives to be saved. I could do that! I know that for sure, but to last forever. Impossible! No one could. Before my inner voice could give me hope I smiled and whispered, “Shut up.”
Luci and I just stared at one another in a deafening silence that was as itchy as bathing in a pile of lawn-clippings after dry-shaving your entire body. I didn’t enjoy the way the seconds drug on and on… Falling over themselves as they tried to march on, carrying forward the passage of time.
I decided to end the lack of words with, “I’ll never become a demon—or a prince of Hell or whatever. I refuse. I much like being a mortal man. I’ve shown that even a man can stand against Hell if he so chooses. What need do I have of changing who I am when all I need is who I am? Riddle me that, Luci!”
“Those are words that I can respect, but words that others would condemn, depending on whether or not you followed the right path.”
“Right path!” I laughed, “The idea of any path being ‘right’ is sick and cruel! I’ve seen newborn babies burning and suffering in Hell, what possible path can call itself ‘right’ if they—fucking babies!—aren’t on it? None!”
I took a deep breath to calm myself.
“And why do you want to make me a prince of Hell? Is it because of my iron will? To take such an offer, to agree, would be to go against all that I believe, all that I have endured becomes wasted… Pointless! Thus, my indomitable spirit has been dominated.”
The Devil considered what to say long and hard before finally uttering, “I suppose you have a point.”
“I will remain ‘the man that stands against Hell’. I like that title better.”
“A title that none will know, for it’s I who is being worshiped for freeing the lost from Hell. You’re not even a memory. It’s as if you never even were.”
“I didn’t do it for glory! I wanted to show kindness. Is that so hard? I guess so. Why? I don’t know… So idiotic!” I stopped talking to myself and turned my attention back to Luci. “I don’t expect kindness returned. I take pride in what I did simply because it’s good. ‘Do good because it is good,’ my father always told me as a child.”
Luci’s eyes glowed in a devious way at the mention of my father, but I failed to place why. I saw only eyes I couldn’t paint. Nor did I want to for the reality was far too beautiful to confine into the flat dimensions of a canvas. I’d ruin the truth, every stroke of my brush would be a failure! I’d waste a thousand years only to be driven mad—Driven? You’re already mad Malloreigh!— by the flaws that my hand created.
“Such love for your father.”
“Respect,” I corrected. “Are you planning to have him tortured in front of me? He’s in Heaven. So I’ll know it’s a lie… It’d do nothing to me.”
“You sound so sure.”
“If my father isn’t in Heaven then God made a mistake! Never has there been a more kind, caring, considerate, and charitable soul!”
Tears stung my eyes, my voice cracked, and rage flooded forth in a wave that must have stolen power from madness. I felt like Abaddon, like a singularity of hatred. And all because the Devil posed the idea of my father being sent to Hell… But it was a foolish idea, laughably stupid in fact. He’s not in Hell. There’s no way he—of all people—would be in Hell!
“And if you’re wrong?”
“I won’t even give that a bit of thought, because I am not wrong. He—”
“Was only a man after all.” Luci reminded. “Mortal, human, weak…”
“Just like me! And I’ve mocked the princes—”
“You have mocked one prince. You still haven’t seen the full fury of Hell, Malloreigh.” Luci grinned like sex and rape.
My blood boiled at the promise in her lips.
Luci floated up to me. His hand was outstretched. I watched a black, dull ooze pool in his palm. It started to cascade over, and each time a drip fell from his hand, it shrieked.
“Here in my hand is just a fragment of Hell’s corruption. I could drown a thousand worlds in the sea beneath Hell alone, but just imagine what I could do with the source. Those raging waters are chaos in the purest state, evil in a physical form. It has no mind. It only infects. Polluting everything is its only purpose in the cosmos.
“This bit alone would break you. If I tossed you into the sea…,” Luci grinned so hideously that it aroused me, “…you would shatter beyond recognition!”
“Then do it—” I struggled to free my left arm “—and have Earth back under your rule. Or do you enjoy being loved and worshiped? Do you visit them? Do you go about preaching your good word?
“I bet God and his angels allow it to happen because they know deep down that it’s a lie. They love you under false pretenses. That’s not love. How badly does it hurt, Luci? Tell me of the pain such an almighty being suffers! Do you weep? You come to me time and time again. You say you’re toying with me. You claim to be working out a master plan, but I see nothing of the sort! Why won’t you toss me into those waters, Luci? Our wager would be over. You’d have won by your hands for I would’ve fallen to the true might of Hell! So, why do you hesitate? Why is any of this happening? If this is Hell, then Hell’s a joke and God’s laughing at you!”
Lucifer said nothing; her eyes never left mine.
I struggled harder to free my arm.
“You seek to make me one of your princes, why? Do you feel that I would make a good pet? To break me in that way would also grant you Earth. Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!”
Luci cackled, centimeters—Don’t kiss him! Don’t kiss him! Don’t kiss him!—from my face. His lips looked like…
And then Luci said, painfully drawing out the words like bow over my heart strings, “Do you truly believe—”
I finally freed my arm and took the ooze from Luci’s hand as quickly as my fragile strength would allow which, thankfully, was just quick enough. He panicked, face melting into horror, as I ate the nasty stuff.
Just that blackness being in my hand was awful. I could hear a thousand voices screaming at me in the form of pictures, daydreams that felt like my own. Imagines of me killing and raping and consuming children, women, and men in random orders filled my mind to bursting…and the idea engorged me like nothing had before. I saw myself jerking off while mutilating myself, torturing others. The pleasure of these flashing fantasies made me orgasm…
Don’t break! Don’t break!
You’ve already broken, Malloreigh. A voice said from deep within. You were broken years ago.
I felt the pure desire to do such wicked things for the pleasure of knowing the wicked deeds have been done. That was just from it being in my hand. When I fought through all my instinctual reflexes and swallowed it, I felt it expand in my belly. I started throwing up, not vomit, I wish it was vomit or even feces, anything else but that black ooze! It gushed out of me like a mad river, my mind struggled against the undertow. And the fantasies came faster and faster causing pleasure in my I’d never known before.
Luci started ripping the barbed wire away, muttered something, fear plain on his face.
Beautiful. Part of my mind thought while the other wanted to make love to his bloody eye socket. Beautiful…
I fell, freed. He grabbed me up in his arms. “Why?” he shouted. “Why would you do that? I need you!”
Need me? Am I valuable? Does Luci—
Rip out your tongue! It’ll be fun, trust me! That strange voice boomed again inside my mind like an echo. You can stick it up your ass and spin!
“Arrogance is the folly of man! Is this what you wanted to fall like all the others had before you?” Luci shouted, preventing me from ripping out my tongue.
You’re curious, I bet, as to how I was still thinking or even whole? Well, so was I.
“Kill! Me!” I cackled, and then I argued with myself, shouting, “No, then how would we kill? Kill! Must kill kill kill, rape rape rape! Kill it all and rape it all! In the wounds! Yes, yes…in the wounds where it’s nice and—”
I gathered up some sanity, and bit off my tongue before I said anything I would regret. The fire that surged through me was difficult to put out. The waters of my soul seemed to make it bigger. The words of my father only seemed to make it angry. Everything was worthless to stop the progress of its influence.
All I could do was endure…
“Why am I valuable?” I tried to take my mind off all the thoughts burning movies in my mind.
Was Luci planning another rebellion, and seeking strong princes for his army?
Winning me wins an army and a demon prince on top of that.
He already had you and an army why wager it?
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
“Yes, I can!”
That voice from inside me shouted so loudly it wasn’t a thought anymore. It became real and erupted forth, it said, “Become a prince of Hell! We can rule the universe! All ours! We would rule it all! All ours! And we can spread us over existence where we belong!”
Now I must resist Hell and a voice inside my head…?
Maybe this was God’s punishment for trying to save the wicked, or for my arrogance, or maybe this is all part of Luci’s plan…
That doesn’t sound right!
“Rape her!” the shapeless madness in me shouted.
“No!” That was quickly becoming my new favorite word.
Luci soared to the ceiling after I had lashed out at him.
“Don’t be like—”
I burst into flames, cackling as my skin blistered and popped.
“Let us burn! We burn! How scary we must look, Malloreigh! Let us stay like this when we raze all of existence! I want to start with Heaven! Can we? O, please, can we?”
I just screamed out in pain as the Devil’s fire burned hotter than anything I’ve felt before, but the madness wouldn’t shut up! He spoke so fast that it was just a constant ringing in my head.
Maybe bashing your skull against the white wall will help. One of us thought. Won’t know until you try!
Mother of God! Have I reached that point? Am I as broken and mad as that guy in his cage so many years ago?
I painted the wall with my blood, brains, and charred skin. I wanted to die. I wanted this all to stop. If this was just a taste, what would the sea be like? If I was to be sunk to the bottom, I would—
You wouldn’t sink to the bottom. You’d shatter at the surface!
I wept. I cried out for Luci but a look around told me that he’d abandoned me.
“I haven’t been broken!” You haven’t? “Not yet!”
I painted a picture on the walls that was made up of feces, blood, brains, semen, and whatever other fluids I could produce from my body. And if I couldn’t get them out as nature intended, I tore out.
“I am not broken!” I shouted as I painted, losing my grip on a linear—This feels strangely familiar—train of thought.
“Not! Broken!” I chanted over and over, painting faster and faster.
I am not lost.
I will endure this…